Shanghai Return - the flight home

Well, this will be the last entry on my trip to Shanghai, seeing as I'm back home now. The day started when I woke up. I guess the day really started with me sleeping, but for me, it started when I woke up.

I grabbed breakfast at the hotel today, same old same old. I had some meat dumplings and some fruit. I smiled at the cute waitress that's always there. I think I saw her in the "lady club" a few days back, but I can't be sure. Most of these Chinese women look similar to me. I could probably just bucket them into a few categories based on body type and face shape. In any case I didn't get a good look at the girl in the lady club cus I tend to avoid looking down the hall for too long. They seem so excited to see a guy walking towards their door, it's kinda creepy. Who knows what kind of massage they give there.

Anyways, I'm not sure the cute waitress understood that when I said goodbye, I really meant goodbye. I never said goodbye to her before, I just said thanks or xie xie. So maybe she clued in. If not she'll clue in after a couple of days of me not showing up. But really, who cares, I don't even know her name.

I head downstairs with all my stuff and check out. The bill was a staggering 5670 rmb. Roughly $850. Once that's done I ask the bellhop type dude to order me a cab to the airport. He says, in a horrible English, that it'll be 10 minutes. Ok, no problem, I have lots of time. I have lots of time you see because my stupid plane is delayed until 4pm. I called the airport just before checking out from the hotel. The airport says that I should still check in at the correct time, but I could call back at 10am and see what the latest time to check in is.

That's very sweet of them, giving me until 10am, but here's the problem. The plane leaves at 12:25 normally, that means that I have to check in by about 10:30. It takes an hour to get to the airport. So if, miraculously the plane is fixed and I call at 10, and they say oh yeah the latest you can check in is 10:30 or even 11, I'm screwed. So I got a cab.

The cabby was late, like 20 minutes late. Dude told me 10 minutes, so I sat in the lounge area. Some dude was chain smoking in there, but the ceiling is really high and the air flow was such that the smoke never reached me much. It smelled a little like cloves. Chinese cigarettes smell bad at the best of times and downright horrible most of the time. This was the first time I smelled some that smelled like cloves, which is still horrible mind you. This guy was sucking them down as if they were better than air. He also had a rattling cough that sounded like some cancerous tumors had gotten loose in his lungs and were jingling around. All in all, really gross.

Now I coulda handled 10 minutes of this guy, but 30 minutes was pushing it. There I was sitting in a leather chair that was huge, so huge that it made me look small. I swear you coulda fit at least 3 Chinese guys comfortably on this chair that looked like it was built for just one really really big guy. Smokey the bear was a couple of couches away in another section, so that was ok, but his cough rattled the whole building. So I look at him put out yet another cigarette and I see that he's stubbing them out in one area of the ashtray and then lining up the butts in another area (it was a big ashtray). What kind of OCD person lines up cigarette butts in an ashtray? Crazy chain smoker guy, that's who. He musta had 8 or 9 lined up already. So I go ask the bellhop dude and he struggles with his English some more. "The cab called and he said he was stuck in traffic, should be maybe some more minutes."

How long is "some more minutes"? Long enough. The cabby shows up and he's trying to apologize, but it's really hard to understand what he's saying cus he doesn't really speak English. He was making the funniest gestures though, arms flailing all over. After we get my stuff in the cab, I hop in and he drives off. The bellhop had already asked me which airport so I knew we were heading to the right place (I hoped). The cabby gives me a menu, and says something like "to help you". I look at the menu and it's a selection of airlines. At first I didn't see United Airlines on there. Turns out that the symbol for United was printed in grey instead of colour, even though other airlines had colour. Odd. So after reading each entry on the menu individually (they weren't sorted alphabetically), I point to the United symbol and show it to the cabby. He nods and stores the menu.

Off we go... well really we had already been driving for 5 minutes at this point, but whatever. The cabby is a mad man, he's swerving in traffic, cutting people off, fitting his car where it should never fit and honking like mad all the way. We get onto the freeway, he starts speeding, where the hell is my seat belt. Righto, no seat belt. The cabs have seat covers, big white form fitted sheets that go over the seats. This makes the cabs look nice and cleanish. The downside is that they cover the seat belts. Well, that would be the case if the cab had seat belts. Apparently this VW didn't come equipped with rear seat belts at all... who needs those anyways? Right?

So, we're going breakneck speeds down the freeway, cutting off at least 2 people per minute. He's gotta keep his racing license by cutting people off or something. In North America people complain that the jerk in front of them cut them off when the car in front of them comes into their lane with less than about 5 meters between the two cars. This would be a regular or careful lane change in China. Cutting someone off in China would be regarded as driving someone off the road in North America. Cutting someone off consists of starting to change lanes once your driver's side door has cleared the front bumper of the car next to you. Yes, this means that if the other driver stays his course, you will hit him. Mostly people slow down and let you cut in front of them. Otherwise they honk. And if you speed up fast enough you can cut them off even if they honk. I've even see people force other people to change lanes. Basically this is done by changing lanes into the other car when you're right next to the other car, just honk a few times and change lanes. If the person next to you can change lanes, they will. Otherwise they honk back.

Now if you follow my driving directions in China and you get in a car accident, injured or killed. Don't blame me. It's your own damn fault for driving in China. Are you stupid? You can't drive in China, take a cab. On with the story. We get stuck in traffic, dude is swerving around, weaving in and out of lanes, almost getting crushed by a huge truck in the process. The trucks there don't have trailers. They're more like the U-Haul rentals with the box top cut off. Everything is bungee corded to the truck. I saw some Inflatable Sporting Goods boxes strapped down to a truck. Nondescript brown boxes, with "Inflatable Sporting Goods, Made in China" printed on the boxes. So, according to this, if you see a beat up brown box containing the item that you're about to purchase, the dust covering it may have been accumulated on a Chinese highway. Interesting.

Finally we're out of the traffic. We must be going 100 miles an hour (that's 160kph) and I don't have a seat belt. The airport is still 10km away. No big deal I have lots of time and this guy is driving at mach two. Finally he points to his wrist, on which he has prayer beads, not a watch. I guess he never met the watchbag guys. Anyways, he clearly wants to know if I'm late. I give him a thumbs up, and a no worries hand wave (or at least, my best interpretation of a no worries hand wave). Dude gets the message and slows down a little. Ok, so, he was risking both our lives (he wasn't bothering with a seat belt either) because he thought that I was late for my flight. Hmm... if only I spoke enough Chinese to say "Don't drive like an idiot, I have plenty of time."

At the airport, he runs off to get me a luggage cart, I check the meter, 235 rmb. No big deal, I've got enough cash. That's a $40 cab ride for over an hour and something like 50km of travel. I pay the man, thank him and head off to the check in counter. Pretty easy to spot, it's the one with the giant line. Turns out that because of the delay, the check in agents are having to reschedule people's connecting flights. And so the wait begins. Took about an hour to get checked in. There was one couple who had something like 13 bags and 6 carry-on bags. When they got to the front they were each pushing two luggage carts, the check-in lady made the funniest face. It took then a while to check that guy in, but I was keeping myself amused watching propaganda so it was ok.

So China might look like a capitalist country most of the time. Everyone is trying to make a buck, everyone works whatever job they can find, just like the old US. But TV is where the government shines through. On TV, apart from the talk show which I didn't understand, there were these public advisory messages. I didn't understand the messages either, but I could follow along with the cartoon. They had a cartoon little girl going to a newspaper stand and at the stand there's a Mexican looking guy (nobody said they had to be PC in China). The Mexican has a red forehead signifying that he has a fever, and he coughs all over the newspaper and then gives it to the little girl. At this point a giant red X in a circle pops up. Don't accept newspapers from feverish Mexicans right after they coughed on them! Then we follow the Mexican and he coughs into a tissue (ding) and then he throws the tissue out in the trash can (ding) and then he washes his hands with soap (ding). Then the Mexican and the little girl are wearing face masks (ding), and some Asian lady shows you how to put on a face mask. Then everyone is happy and nobody has pig sickness! Yeah ok, so swine flu never really caught on in China. They have a hard time translating it. The funniest translation I heard was pig sickness. Take that Obama and your quest to keep the pig farmers happy by calling it H1N1. It's pig sickness! Hahahahahaha.

Ok so enough propaganda for one day, I'm checked in and they give me a voucher for an 80 rmb meal, but it's only usable in one restaurant in the whole airport. I get to the security place and make sure that the restaurant is passed the security post. I wouldn't want to cross security only to find out that my restaurant voucher is only valid on the side I was already on. So security in China is a little less paranoid than in the US. They don't make you take off your shoes. They had me step up on a little podium after the metal detector and they fondled me with some weird wand device. Unlike the large bars that look like oversized knives that North America uses as a hand held metal detector. The Chinese use a thin wand that ends with a big hoop about 6 inches in diameter. And instead of waving it over you, they kinda prod you with the hoop and rub it all over your clothes. Great. I hope whoever was prodded before me didn't have cooties.

I get to the departure gate and it turns out that the restaurant with the voucher is right next to it. Hope Star it's called. I roam around, the place is huge, vast open, and has a wavy roof. Pretty cool architecture. In the true Chinese fashion, there's windows open at the top, probably cheaper than AC or something. Anyways, it was pretty comfortable in the airport, not too hot, definitely not too cold. It probably just felt not too hot because everywhere else I ever went in China was way too hot.

So after roaming and looking in the shops I go and get a seat at Hope Star. The place is crowded, it's the only crowded restaurant in the airport. People probably think it's crowded cus it serves good food, but that's not true. It's never true in airports. Normally you can judge a restaurant more or less accurately by how busy it is, but not in an airport. How many locals eat at the airport passed the security check? That's right... NONE. The reason this restaurant was crowded is cus people had free vouchers! Eat at the other restaurants, I'm sure their food is equally as crappy.

I ordered the unagi meal and a sprite, came out to 109rmb or something. 20 rmb for a can of sprite that is less than 2 rmb in the corner store. Anyways, I settle in for a long wait, but hey, the seats are comfy and I have a book. The guy next to me keeps asking the waitress where his food is, and she keeps saying 5 minutes. She probably told him 5 minutes for half an hour until finally the 5 minutes was accurate and the food came out 5 minutes later. The two ladies on my right waited about 40 minutes then told the waitress that they were late and had no more time, they had to go catch their flight. The waitress apologized, refunded their money, cancelled their meal and they left while muttering probably something bad. It's your own fault ladies, why did you sit in the busiest restaurant in the airport? There another restaurant about 20 feet away that is begging for people to eat there.

It took about 50 minutes for me to get my food, I got a few chapters read. The food was so not worth 100rmb, it wasn't even worth 20rmb for China standards. But hey, you're in an airport, gouge the tourists! So I eat my crappy meal, I had to ask for my soup, and I never got my desert, which didn't matter, it was dairy anyways. So I finish my food and keep reading. I probably sat there another hour and nobody bugged me. Finally I took off and headed for the bathroom. Fancy bathroom, with hand dryers! woot.

So I read some more, and checked out the shops. I got Trish a present cus it was so cute. It's a little stuffed panda, it's round like a ball, really cute. Hopefully Trish doesn't read this before she gets home, but whatever. Then it was about 3pm, and the lunch had been not filling at all so I was still hungry and I had 30rmb burning a hole in my pocket. I asked the lady what time the flight would board and she said about 3:30, so I had time. I went upstairs to Burger King. The price was the same as anywhere else (almost) it was probably just a couple of rmb more than normal.

I grab a whopper junior combo, pretty much the only meal I can afford. It tasted almost exactly like a whopper junior combo in the states. That was a little creepy. How come Burger King and McDonalds can clone their flavours in China when nobody else can? Cue Twilight Zone music. Anyways, that was tasty, and filling. Better than the 100rmb meal at the other place. Stupid ladies shoulda come here, they woulda gotten their food immediately and it woulda been better.

So the flight is boarding, I line up, and I head to my seat in the plane. There's an old lady sitting in my seat. I tell her that's my seat, she looks a little insulted but gets up and moves over. Then by the time I have my bags in the overhead bin, she's already convinced the guy at the other end of the row (I had an aisle seat in the middle section). Anyways, she'd already convinced the guy to let her have the isle seat. So the guy sits down next to me... for such a small Chinese guy, he took up a lot of room.

The flight was long. I watched Marley & Me or whatever that movie is called. I missed the end of it because my headphones conked out. It turned out that it wasn't the headphones, it was the armchair plug, so I didn't watch any other movies. I missed Yes Man or whatever that Jim Carrey movie is, which I kinda want to watch but whatever. I read my book instead.

When the food cart comes by, I get the beef and mashed potatoes. Not great, but not bad as far as airplane food goes. The next time they come by, they hand out ham and cheese sandwiches. The cheese was something like Velveeta except white. The cheese peeled of easily, but half a sandwich isn't really food in my mind, so I grab a second piece when the lady walks by again to dump the cart. Peeled more crappy cheese and ate more ham. The last meal on the flight was some sort of chicken noodles, kinda bad.

This whole flight the guy next to me was trying to sleep and I kept having to push him off me. He would put his feet in front of my chair and then act all insulted when I shoved him away. What kind of idiot thinks that it's ok to put your feet in someone else's space when you're sleeping? Just cus your sleeping doesn't make you king. Also, the guy kept turning off my little air hole. I get hot on planes, so I turn on the air. And this guy was cold, but instead of getting a blanket, he would get up (the air things were pretty far) and close all the air things that he could reach. No matter where they were pointed. I tried to talk to him, but he didn't speak English, and I didn't know rude enough words in Chinese. So I'd just get up and open my air thing again. He would wait half an hour and close it again. So we played this game for a while. Every time I got up and left my seat I had to check the air thing when I came back, unless twit boy was sleeping.

So the flight lands on schedule and I head for the customs agents. There was a pair of em. One guy was training another guy. So I hand them my passport and they ask if I have filled out an I-94. I tell em the I-94 is already in my passport. They tell me I'm supposed to fill one out when flying in. Ok, whatever, they give me a new I-94 to fill out. They ask if I have some other form, I tell em, no, my Visa is just the I-94 plus the stamp. He says something to the effect of "Yeah Canadian Visa's are weird". He tells the new guy what to write, they staple a second I-94 in my passport, we chuckle about how the Canadian paperwork is screwed up and they let me go. As I'm walking away I think to myself "they never asked ANY questions, except about my visa", odd. Whatever, not my problem.

So I'm waiting for my bag, watching the couple starting to collect their heap of 15 odd bags. Some of their stuff is in DELL or Intel boxes, but it's funny to watch them pile em up. I ask one of the customs agents that's walking around if I can put my passport away or if I'll need it to leave. He asks me if he can see my passport. He asks me about my job, and what I was doing in China. I tell him about the cheap food and he and his friend pretty much want to go visit China after I'm done talking to them. Maybe I shoulda been a salesman?

Finally the guard tells me that I won't need my passport and he marks off my declaration sheet with a black sharpie. I put my passport away, grab my luggage and leave. I'm almost at the exit when another roaming customs agent walks up to me. "Can I see your passport and declaration form?" ok whatever... great, you suck guy. I take my passport out, so much for putting it away. He starts asking me questions about what I bought in China and stuff. He asks if I'm carrying large sums of money, I tell him "I wish I was carrying large sums of money, but I'm almost broke". He asks me why I'm almost broke and I tell him I spent tons of money on my trip. Wow guy, no sense of humour.

He marks my sheet with a black sharpie as well, and off I go. The last guy collects my sheet and points me down the "Nobody else will bug you" hallway. I get out of the customs area and head for the information booth. I don't have any cash on me so I ask the guy if taxis take credit cards, the guy says they do. So I head out and hop a cab.

The guy was Russian or something, thick accent, and pretty old. He drives a prius, he's been a cabby for 18 years in San Francisco, and he likes it. Apparently there's good money to be made because the cab ride to George's place (my car was there) cost $105. What the hell? 20 minute ride in the US is $105, 80 minute ride in China $40. Seems fair. George's wife was supposed to give me a ride, but since George is still in China, she didn't. She did give me my car keys when I got there so that was ok. I drove home a little groggy.

When I got home the house was a little stuffy, it was 1pm and that meant that for me it was 4am. So I went to bed.

Jet lag sucks.

I hope you enjoyed reading about my travels in China. It's probably not as fun reading about my travels than actually doing my travels, but seeing as you're not me, I guess this is the best you can get. You could try travelling to China yourself, but you'll probably have an entirely different experience. Some of it will be similar but most of it will be different. Anyways, I'll probably end up writting some general comments about China someday soon. Stuff like not all women shave their armpits and other oddities. But for now, this is it. Have fun.